S4E27: Unlocking Anxiety - How Childhood Shapes Our Nervous System

This episode explores the deep connection between anxiety, nervous system regulation, and childhood experiences. Hosts Juliet and Brent discuss how awareness and understanding of our defense mechanisms can lead to healing and healthier parenting.

 

Chapters

 

00:00 Exploring Anxiety and Its Impact

03:23 Understanding Nervous Systems and Childhood Trauma

10:39 Curiosity in Learning and Parenting

20:14 Emotional Awareness in Children and Parents

 

Transcript

00:00:07:00 - 00:00:28:04

Unknown

We're going to talk more about anxiety. A lot of people reach out about we did anxiety and then like nervous system back to back. Yeah. And it might have been I mean I get like I mean I think both of us get like people saying thank you for the episode or whatever, but I had conversations like weeks after people just being like, I just listen to you like that again.

 

00:00:28:04 - 00:00:53:17

Unknown

And I was really thinking about it. So I loved that. That touched a chord. And then I said to you, and then I want one of the days that we talked a couple weeks ago or last week. Hey, remember I asked you about the anxiety thing? Do you feel it now? More the way I was describing. And then we started talking and I was like, oh, let's rerecord.

 

00:00:53:18 - 00:01:08:22

Unknown

Yeah. No, I don't feel it any I know any different, but it it does come out in so many different ways. You know, we're were brilliant at masking.

 

00:01:09:00 - 00:01:21:02

Unknown

And deflecting. You know, I don't think there's any, Any other group, any other.

 

00:01:21:04 - 00:01:43:18

Unknown

Types of people that are able to deflect and hide and maneuver around. The way we do. Yeah. Good and bad. That ends up being, you know, defense. I call them defense mechanisms. You know, there's.

 

00:01:43:20 - 00:02:09:05

Unknown

You know, a million different ways. And a lot of times when we talk and I talk to people and parents and they don't even realize what they do or their kids do or, you know, because we end up being, you know, such pros, pros at it. And like I said, you know, good and bad ways. But, you know, once you're aware of it as a yourself or as a parent, you know, you mean me.

 

00:02:09:05 - 00:02:39:21

Unknown

Me, you may being so good at it, you don't even realize it yourself. So, you know, expanding this conversation. So maybe triggers more, understanding for people why we do certain things. And why, you know, this leads that to that, to that, to this, to that, to this. You know, you know, as everybody heard me on, you know, as I always talk about understanding, you know, relatability, understanding is is the biggest thing.

 

00:02:39:21 - 00:03:14:01

Unknown

Once you can understand. Then you can change if you need to be, you know, if you need that change, right? You can't change anything or you can't if you don't understand, if you didn't see, some, one, I noticed that while because you didn't understand, and everything more revolves around understanding. So a couple different things. And I think for the parent that is listening to this, that has anxiety and has realized, you know, they have more anxiety than they possibly have thought.

 

00:03:14:03 - 00:03:41:19

Unknown

Kids are so in tune to feeling parents, anxiety, nervous systems. I didn't realize how in tuned in until I started doing a lot of like Inner Child. I've been doing like a lot of, meditation. And I think you and I have talked about, I really probably haven't talked about it too much on here, but a lot of, inner child work, like healing wounds that I didn't realize even had that I really was like, that's not that big of a deal.

 

00:03:41:19 - 00:03:58:12

Unknown

But then kind of tying it back to other things. And it's been really fascinating. And one of the things that I came up with that is, you know, I had a good childhood. There was a lot going on. There was five of us. There was, you know, some traumas in there, and we don't need to go into detail of that.

 

00:03:58:12 - 00:04:27:14

Unknown

But my home, the nerve it my nervous system was never settled because of everything going around. So as I became an adult, I actually was comfortable in an unsettled nervous system, which is not good as you are trying to achieve high things or creating your own family and so I realized that I loved like I was very comfortable with, like my nervous system being at at high energy, you know, when people would say to me, oh my God, I love your energy.

 

00:04:27:16 - 00:04:47:09

Unknown

There's a good energy. And then there's the high alert nervous system energy. And like the rushing or doing this or having to fit all a million things in, I know I was doing it at a level of comfort and not realizing I was doing it at a lot of comfort, but because that's where my my nervous system was used to school, right?

 

00:04:47:09 - 00:05:07:07

Unknown

My nervous system was always up. I was never settled and really not into the last number of years have I been able to settle my own nervous system. And that's a you know, that, you know, that high anxiety, you know, and that's also known as fight or flight. Exactly. Flight or fight or flight or people pleasing. Right.

 

00:05:07:07 - 00:05:24:13

Unknown

Those are like the things that you do as and I was always I go into the fight, my sister goes into the flight. We talk about it now like if she has to make a decision she's like, oh I'm doing that again. I'm avoiding, I'm avoiding. Right. Like I go head on into it like I'm like, no, we're going to get into it.

 

00:05:24:13 - 00:05:47:12

Unknown

So it's all really interesting things and not good or bad. Like as I said, you don't have to have this traumatic life to think, oh wait, I don't need to think about this because so many people think of trauma as abuse or, you know, physical, mental, sexual, whatever it is. And a lot of times it's not. It's just where your nervous system is living at times of your life and where your nervous system gets stuck.

 

00:05:47:12 - 00:06:15:08

Unknown

And that's when then you don't you can't get to the next level in the in the a lot of things, you know, it's. You know, I had one, one guy I God it's companies worth, you know, 30 million, $40 million sold that now he's never written on the board in a white board in the office. Hands, you know, hands the marker off.

 

00:06:15:10 - 00:06:35:01

Unknown

I'm Casanova. Yeah. Hands it all off to off to to to to somebody to go up there to do it. Right. And he wasn't getting up there writing it. I actually got it. Totally got everything got tight. When you say that I put myself in that situation when I was like, oh, I would totally handle, like, hands off, because spelling, right?

 

00:06:35:01 - 00:07:06:19

Unknown

And messy handwriting, right? No, I would not know. There we go. When I was with, you know, the one of coaching hockey, drawing the board, I it was all scribble. I was, all scribbles. Kids like, what? What the fuck? What is that? Hey, Gary, you know, so, 100%, definitely, definitely do that. And, you know, obviously from me is, you know, I know when I come home, I'll watch the same, same TV.

 

00:07:06:19 - 00:07:31:18

Unknown

Everything for me is I'll do the same or the same food or it's the same TV show. Everything is is in repeat. There's no trying something new. There's no going where. Somewhere new. It's not. Nothing is outside the box of what I do.

 

00:07:31:20 - 00:07:55:22

Unknown

I know what I can go and eat the same meal every, every single day. I could go to the same restaurant every single time. I could watch the same TV show every single day. I don't watch anything new. I don't turn on new movie. Nothing. I know what's coming. It's because of your traumas. But there's also a personality and there's different things.

 

00:07:55:22 - 00:08:18:10

Unknown

But for a parent to think about this and see it, it's able to bring conversation around it. It's being able to bring that curiosity and talking. So I just did, this deep imagining this morning, and it was really interesting because it brought me into a schoolhouse. Okay. And or school, it said schoolhouse, but like school building. And it was like, what happens?

 

00:08:18:10 - 00:08:42:09

Unknown

And this had nothing to do with dyslexia. This was just taking through differences, which is bringing you to your childhood home, to a school, and then to different places that you enjoy. So you could feel the difference in your body. And it was fascinating. So when I talk about meditation, that's one of the things like, I can't just sit there and like, do not like I need like these, the kind of guided.

 

00:08:42:09 - 00:09:06:10

Unknown

But this was actual work that I'm doing. That's this, this, it's basically clearing things out. But it was fascinating because I tightened up in a different way. I tightened up at home and it wasn't because it was bad, but because of just the unsettled ness of everything that happens during my childhood. And then it brought me to like my favorite place, and I could just feel my body.

 

00:09:06:10 - 00:09:31:08

Unknown

Then it brought me into a school and it was not a similar tightness. It was a little bit of a it was more of a sour tightness where the my home was a still tightness, but it was in a different part of my body. It was so fascinating that it brings you again to like another place that was happy, and you just feel like your body gets like just tingly and the best way, not this tightness.

 

00:09:31:08 - 00:10:00:02

Unknown

And so doing these kind of things where you feel how you felt so an adult can bring it back and be like, okay, when was it the times that my nervous system tightened up? And then in life when my kids are around like, I wish I and I'm not, I never go back and be like, oh, I wish I did this, but I wish when my kids were little, I had done some of this because I know I would have been a healthier parent for them, because I know there was times and we talked about this, like with schedules and all these things, even if it was like music in the library, all these things

 

00:10:00:02 - 00:10:17:23

Unknown

would give me such anxiety because I never wanted to be the person that was. I never wanted to be the person that was late, even though I don't mind being late for those kind of things. I didn't want to be the mom that was like, oh, here comes the scattered mom! Because I heard my mom talk about those parents as and not in a bad way, but in, just in, like, her school world.

 

00:10:17:23 - 00:10:36:16

Unknown

Right. So I never wanted to be the one that was like, oh, this is bad. Until I got into it. And then I was like, I don't give a fuck. I actually want to be that mom. Like. But before my kids were little, I didn't want to have that attention deficit scattered. Your kids are scattered.

 

00:10:36:18 - 00:11:07:08

Unknown

Kind of like label. And I was so fighting not to have that. And it was really and I had anxiety all the time around it. Well and it's, you know, finding out what your, what that feeling is obviously to build a diagnosis and understand what that anxiety was because it does come out in many different ways, meaning. And once you can understand that, then you can attack it.

 

00:11:07:10 - 00:11:50:18

Unknown

You know what you're attacking. It is however, that is, well, real per what it is and per what you want. We all have. Everybody has trauma, childhood trauma. Now it's to what gaps and how repetitive was it. And then you know obviously I talk about this all the time being addictions, all childhood trauma. So it's it happens, you know, you know, somebody always talks about I hear all the time I, you know, my kids got to be, Mr. Perfect or super perfect.

 

00:11:50:20 - 00:11:56:03

Unknown

There's no such thing. Why are you trying to do that?

 

00:11:56:05 - 00:12:20:14

Unknown

What's triggering? Not, Because if I don't get it right, if I don't get 100, if I don't get this perfect. I yelled out, am I going to let my parents down? Am I what? There's a there's a reason why there's no such thing as perfect. And practice is made perfect. It only makes better. Yeah. So. Okay, think about this, okay.

 

00:12:20:16 - 00:12:45:02

Unknown

Because this is part of this deep imagining that I did today. You're in the school and it's catering to you. You're allowed to do whatever you want and learn however you want and slow throughout the day in your own. And it was kind of interesting. It was like your own curiosity. And I was, of course, like, oh God, I like my tightness.

 

00:12:45:02 - 00:13:09:08

Unknown

Like left. And I was thinking about it. If I was a kid in school, how would I have liked to learn? And like if this is when you were like little, right. So this was like five, six. That's that's where I put myself. And I was thinking that I would have completely gone at it with my curiosity because that's how I was.

 

00:13:09:08 - 00:13:33:21

Unknown

I was the kid that asked a million questions. I was so curious. Now I did have family members that answered my question. I don't know if I was like, if I don't remember if it was then where people were like, oh my gosh, the questions right? Or if it was when I was in school, because I definitely there was a time in my life where it was like the annoyance right there was in adults that found it annoying and and so why?

 

00:13:33:23 - 00:13:50:18

Unknown

Why mom why dad? Why why why do I do the the the why the why phase? But that's like a learning, right? That's a learning. And that's the worst things ever. Oh I love it. I loved oh I got, I loved that phase. It was like I mean it was one of my favorite phases. I loved it. And I would sit and I would answer the questions for my kids.

 

00:13:50:20 - 00:14:17:11

Unknown

And I was fascinated me to see how they were thinking. And I absolutely, like, loved it, loved it. I can remember being in the city and we were. And if I didn't know something, we would figure it out. And it was like SAT. And I think it was me going back to childhood and fulfilling, you know, things that I didn't get, you know, there was an a not no offense to my parents or teachers or whatever, you know, when there's five kids or 23 kids, you can't answer that one kid all the time.

 

00:14:17:11 - 00:14:33:18

Unknown

And that one kid then realizes, okay, I can't do it that way. And so whatever it was, but it was that I could literally I had a teacher and I was like, they would give problems. And in my head they would get problems and I would figure it out. And then they would say, okay, I want you to take me through how you figured that out.

 

00:14:33:18 - 00:14:50:01

Unknown

That was so fascinating. Like you did it differently, but I want to learn how you did it. And it was like the best fucking feeling. I was like, I want to go to that school. It. But think about that for a kid. If a kid when they are early, especially a dyslexic kid, like, what are all your faces for?

 

00:14:50:01 - 00:14:53:00

Unknown

I want you to speak now.

 

00:14:53:01 - 00:15:09:17

Unknown

The the lie face. Oh, God, I like it. There's nothing worse. Like. Well, okay, well, I want you to pause there. Was it nothing worse because of what you had going on in your life, and you didn't have time to answer it, or you didn't know the answers, so you were uncomfortable? I don't even know if I know the answers.

 

00:15:09:17 - 00:15:35:11

Unknown

I didn't want to answer 7000 questions. Yeah, but why were. And I didn't do that on purpose. Houston Archer I swear I did not know why, but why? But why? Oh, yeah. Oh my God. Oh, yeah. The Carson's pin. I remember Penelope because I remember there was that Penelope had the deepest questions, though, like she had, like when she was like two and three and four.

 

00:15:35:12 - 00:15:54:21

Unknown

They were like God and death and heaven, and we didn't even have anyone that really died. Like. And I would just remember being like, oh my God. Okay. And math, she had so many questions on math, but now I know she probably was trying to figure out in her own head. And I, of course, couldn't answer half of them, like, but she would be like, mom, can you do it?

 

00:15:54:23 - 00:16:25:13

Unknown

I'm like, no, honey, I can't do that in my head. And I remember, like, driving, being like, oh, but loving her curiosity. Yeah. On Saturday when we were at that birthday party, were talking to, a couple of, you know, their son, and then his girlfriend. They find it cute and fun how they give each other math problems.

 

00:16:25:15 - 00:16:53:02

Unknown

I'm like, oh, wow. That's interesting. Yeah. Or she's going to get her PhD in math or something. Something. And, UIC. I'm like, Yeah. He comes back with like a five page, five page answer on something. I'm like, wow. It's kind of like, what's the movie with Matt Damon? The math on the good Will hunting, the lighting.

 

00:16:53:06 - 00:17:14:21

Unknown

Well come on. Yeah. No, no, but that's a curiosity, right? That we're not comfortable with that. Yeah, I know, I don't want to know. Oh, my God, I just said one plus one. Is anything higher now that's two. And that's it. That's it. We're done I don't know right. Yeah. That I mean that's a different level of curiosity, right?

 

00:17:14:21 - 00:17:39:15

Unknown

I mean I mean, it gives me anxiety right there thinking about that. That's so interesting. 7000 ys a day. No, just. Yeah, it is what it is. Just listen, Z. But is it now? Is that a but is it like, really think about it. Is it because you didn't couldn't answer. There was too much going on in your own life like.

 

00:17:39:17 - 00:18:00:23

Unknown

Because think of it. If you had all the freedom and there's a little kid just so curious about the world and I oh, I just I think that's like my favorite frickin stage. It's my favorite stage. I could go back there a million times. I could just see their faces and the questions and then their eyes, like when you could answer and you could get into the conversation and oh my God, I loved it.

 

00:18:01:01 - 00:18:19:10

Unknown

I remember Truman one time asked, how come of a tornado does like. And he was like, if a tornado does this, can it go down a crack? And he like, brought me to the crack and he's like, so if a tornado came here, could it go down this crack? Would a part of it go down the crack? And I remember my mom and I being like, oh my God, I love.

 

00:18:19:10 - 00:18:39:16

Unknown

I wonder where like that came up and where, you know, how that was developing in his brain. And then we talked about storms, and this is when he was like 3 or 4 and then there was no storms where, where this we were at the beach like it was the summer, you know what I mean? But those kind of things where it's interesting where it took you.

 

00:18:39:18 - 00:19:03:09

Unknown

Yeah, I like, I'm not I was never like, oh, well, what's in her brain? You know, turn that brain off. I'm done. Right. But here's the thing. If I had if I wasn't a stay at home mom and I had a million other things, now that would be awful, because you couldn't give your kid the attention that they.

 

00:19:03:09 - 00:19:21:01

Unknown

You know. But I had the time I, you know, was able to sit and be like, okay, I'll answer. And I mean, I used to as a I mean, I said this on the podcast, I had friends that would send their kids were like, oh yeah, just astral. And she'll sit and answer all your fucking questions because I don't want to answer your questions.

 

00:19:21:03 - 00:19:43:05

Unknown

Yeah. I mean, I think most people don't enjoy that stage, but if they really think about why they don't enjoy it, is it really because it the questions are annoying or is it because there's other things going on in their life that they couldn't? Their brain couldn't sit there and take it anymore. You like I mean, there were days you like the why.

 

00:19:43:07 - 00:20:01:13

Unknown

I love the why. I mean, don't I hear it? I still know I love asking questions. So then they ask your question and you ask them a question and you guys just get instant. You just going, you know how many whys can there be an A and a question. Oh here it is amazing.

 

00:20:01:15 - 00:20:30:04

Unknown

No one does it anymore. Yeah I wonder why grandkids maybe grandkids will do it. Oh I got to wait hopefully for a while for that or so. Right. Your grandkids ask? Oh yeah. Peter. Peter's goes off and yeah, we saw him this weekend. It was Peter jumped in mud puddle just covered Julie from head to toe in mud all over your neck.

 

00:20:30:06 - 00:20:56:13

Unknown

It's sweet, but it was exploring. Yeah, yeah. All this, it was an. You covered a mud. Now he he loves being outside, digging in the dirt and bugs and. Yeah, yeah, that was my kids. It was me. Which, Jessica was in, you know, we were. We got up to, like, 70. Yeah. Oh. Oh, my God, when can we fucking get a little warm?

 

00:20:56:15 - 00:21:18:14

Unknown

Yeah. It was, it was quite nice. Now we're down to, you know, anchor down back to back to the 40s, but, Chicago weather, you never know what. Yeah, that. I mean, that's what's interesting. We never get, like, the big swings. It's, like, pretty steady. Yeah, and we never, like, a day. Yeah. Good time. Yeah, well, I'll always the last week where we got was last week.

 

00:21:18:19 - 00:21:52:02

Unknown

Where? No, we got, you know, two days before the parade. Yeah. It was, it was 65 degrees. 70 degrees on that, on that on Saturday. It was 25. And song. Right now we get big gig places and that really helps her allergies, I and just so many of them already, well, don't I, have you taken your, have you taken your stuff that like your oils and stuff like that, that you did for one period of time that you said you thought it worked?

 

00:21:52:04 - 00:22:05:07

Unknown

Nothing. Nothing worse? I just so now the winter is great because if everything's frozen it's perfect. Spring and summer.

 

00:22:05:09 - 00:22:32:22

Unknown

Hurry. Got allergies cold. Do you like the fall though don't you. Yeah. Falls. Nice. Yeah. No allergies. My allergies are the worst. Yeah I get you know I actually the last two weeks here I've been sneezing like crazy and I don't been on the, know. And I don't allergies. Yeah. I mean, like, sneezing like crazy. And I'm like, my eyes have energy, so I'm like, something's maybe I'm starting to develop.

 

00:22:33:00 - 00:22:49:01

Unknown

And I manage. Yeah. And I don't sneeze like, I'm like a really like I startle like I sneeze loud. So Dan's like, oh, my God, I'm gonna have a fucking a heart attack like I it's it's not like a quiet. It's like a Joe. And I try not to, but I can't. So it's been like 6 or 8.

 

00:22:49:01 - 00:23:16:08

Unknown

I don't know how long. Oh yeah. But how is. It's been about a month now of sneezing. Yeah I've been since. Yeah. In December. Oh three months. Not like literally probably she'll sneeze like 25 times a day now wait, isn't that interesting. Yeah I wonder that is I mean I, I didn't mine is just been like the last couple of weeks like but somebody said and was that maybe it was at the parade.

 

00:23:16:13 - 00:23:37:22

Unknown

Somebody said there's allergy, you know like a winter allergy or something, right? I feel like there's something always something somewhere to start or something. Yeah. I mean, it's because they have no other explanation for shit. So they're like, oh, it's an allergy. It's such bullshit. Other people's why? I know, I didn't know it, I moved here, Scott was one of the worse for allergies.

 

00:23:37:22 - 00:24:03:22

Unknown

I remember you saying that. Yeah. You know, I don't. Oh, by the way, because we were in season three, March 20th was our three year. And then we started the podcast. May will be three years for the podcast. March 20th. So that was like I remember we had a couple recordings and then you got bad allergies, and I was like, you're getting sick.

 

00:24:03:23 - 00:24:25:23

Unknown

Oh my God. Oh my allergies. I, I think it was the second. I think it was the second or third episode probably. And you had really bad allergies. Yeah. Yeah. So do I remember that. Okay. So I want the takeaway to be for parents, especially a lot of the ones that were listening and wanting us to go a little deeper is to do some of those exercises and kind of just feel find.

 

00:24:25:23 - 00:24:40:22

Unknown

I get, you know, a if you need to be like, I don't feel like tapping. I mean, a lot of people don't want to figure it out. But you're not going to be a better human if you don't. I mean, seriously, if you want to be better for yourself and for your kids, you got to do some of that stuff.

 

00:24:40:22 - 00:24:59:05

Unknown

And figuring out where your anxiety is and knowing that when you're anxious and you're keeping it inside, your kid pretty much can feel it. Because I totally remember, I yeah, my parents stress and I, you know, is more and more in tuned. All or all of you know, we've talked about the dyslexia and all of that kind of stuff.

 

00:24:59:05 - 00:25:21:16

Unknown

Sometimes you're more in tune to other people's emotions. And I can go into all my my Woo-Hoo stuff, but I won't. But it is. Your kids can feel when you're stressed, whether you say it or not. So do some of the work and they either feel or, young long kids, they know that feeling, but they just don't know what they can.

 

00:25:21:18 - 00:25:39:18

Unknown

They kind of express it right? I feel it, but they don't know what that you know, what that feeling is to be able to to express it. And, you know, that's kind of the world right now, right out of the world. And there's never been a more crazier place. You know, adults are taking that on. And guess who's, you know, who's taking the brunt of that.

 

00:25:39:20 - 00:26:04:18

Unknown

Yeah. Or the kids. We think we can hide things. We can think we can, some of it we can for sure. A lot of it, they they know. They know something's going on. They don't know exactly what know what? That you know what that has the can verbalize and connect the dots. Exactly. But they, they know, when the old saying that they're too, you know, they're too smart for their own good.

 

00:26:04:20 - 00:26:20:15

Unknown

It's true. There's a reason. And kids the reason why they can pick it up also so much better is they don't have all of the stuff that's in our brain. Right? They don't have all the stuff that we've taken on. So it's almost like this clear. And I'm gonna get a little woo hoo! But a clear aura for them.

 

00:26:20:15 - 00:26:44:00

Unknown

It's like a kid is so innocent and opened so they can feel when things are tight in other places, weather, and as you just said, like they don't know why. But so when they start getting older, if you're talking about, hey, you're in school, if, you know, I heard that this happened today or tell me about your day is a really awesome kind of exercise to do, because then you can start talking about, oh, how did you feel on that?

 

00:26:44:00 - 00:26:59:06

Unknown

And if they say, I got angry or did this, or then you can break down the feeling and talk about it and put an emotion to a feeling, and then your kid is just going to be so much better off as they get older, because then they'll know what it is. And then if you can give them tools to kind of figure it out and then work through, it is even better.

 

00:26:59:06 - 00:27:19:00

Unknown

But that's when you have to do the work on your own to get there. Yeah. And talk about being an adult and look to look like everyone else, you know, comes with the right. You kids don't have that. Yeah. All right. So there no they don't know. They don't. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm just gonna leave it there.

 

00:27:19:01 - 00:27:37:03

Unknown

All right. It's Monday. Yeah. And I do want to say it. Or do you want me to say it, like, great review and share. You never know who needs to hear this. And we'll see you for another episode of word blindness. Dyslexia exposed. If that was a sneeze buster wasn't. Oh, okay. But me, this one for.